I Can't Stop Thinking About Grief

Hi friends,

I’m going to be honest: There’s not much I can focus on these days.

On Thursday, my grandfather died. Then on Saturday, my fiancé tested positive for Covid. There’s nothing really great about grief, but there’s something particularly terrible about grieving in isolation. Luckily, I’ve been testing negative, but I’m limiting my exposure to other people since I’m living with someone with Covid. My focus over the last week has been on just getting through the day, preferably without crying or infecting someone. I just don’t have it in me to do a deep-dive into pop culture I love.

If you’ve been following this newsletter, you know I lost my other grandfather in June. I never really lost anyone close to me prior to losing him. The thought of grief terrified me. Over the last 4.5 months, its presence in my life went from being like a yowling cat keeping me up at night to one content to curl up at the foot of your bed, meowing only when it needs food. I learned to live with grief as constant but subdued presence beyond its occasional interruptions. Now it is crying at me again.

I was really lucky to grow up with both sets of grandparents living within a 20-minute drive. I’d say I can’t remember a holiday or birthday without them, but their presence in my life and my siblings’ was more than that. They were around all the time. My childhood is defined in part by Grampy’s Donald Duck impression and Pe-pa’s master egg-hiding skills on Easter. When my parents moved to Texas and I moved to Connecticut, I would go back to my hometown and stay with my grandparents when I got homesick. They were home. (My eulogy that I wrote for my grandfather’s funeral on Sunday sums this up and I included a snippet of it at the end of this newsletter. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to write and it’s worth sharing.)

What I can’t stop thinking about now is the holidays ahead, the wedding I’m planning, and the family my fiancé and I want to have. I worry during all those happy times it’ll just feel like someone (or two someones) is missing. I know I will learn to keep my grandfathers alive and already am doing so simply by being the person they helped shape me into, but the future seems daunting and heartbreaking.

I know this is depressing, but before this year, grief mystified and terrified me. I would marvel at how people I knew could just love a loved one and go on like nothing happened. Now I know that’s not the case—people just don’t talk about how they’re feeling. I’m hoping being honest can demystify it for anyone else in this boat.

I am hoping to resume the regular newsletter content next week with new things to think about, but right now, I’m just indulging in a few old favorites that can serve as a distraction and maybe pull me out of my funk.

Here are a few things that have been making me feel a bit like my old self.

• After months of debating, I finally pulled the trigger and ordered Leah Redman Chang’s “Young Queens - Three Renaissance Women and the Price of Power” about the lives of Catherine de’Medici, Elisabeth de Valois, and Mary, Queen of Scots. (Thank you Harvard Book Store sale!) I am very into this period since watching “Reign” and I am so, so excited to learn more about these women! (I also discovered Leah Redman Chang has an awesome newsletter. This particular one describes a bit how I’ve been feeling as of late.)

• While waiting to see if I had Covid on Saturday, I binge-watched the entire new season of “Selling Sunset.” It’s the only time I forgot what was going on this week. I interviewed Emma last year, so I am always a fan of her when watching.

• I am starting to expand my interest in history beyond all things Tudor and Suzannah Lipscomb’s podcast “Not Just the Tudors” has been a great jumping-off point.

I’m also including here a snippet of the eulogy I wrote for my grandpa. I miss him already.

“When I was in middle school. Grammy and Grampy would watch Laura somedays while my parents were at work. Whenever I came home from school on those days, there would be an apple pie and vanilla milkshake waiting for me in the fridge. I still associate the warmed gooeiness of the pie and the cool sweetness of the shake with coming home.

I also now associate it with love. Grampy taught me you don’t need a lot of words to express your feelings. Sometimes, all you need is a coffee from Dunkins, a bag of Munchkins, or an apple pie and milkshake left in the fridge every Tuesday.”