I Can't Stop Thinking About...A Survivor's Education by Joy Neumeyer

I saw by chance that my local bookstore was hosting a talk with Joy Neumeyer about her new book “A Survivor’s Education: Women, Violence, and the Stories We Don’t Tell” which chronicles her experience in an abusive relationship, reporting that relationship to the UCal Berkeley, and where her Title IX report falls within the larger history of Title IX and violence against women in higher education.

“Why did you stay?” or “why didn’t you report it?” are the hackneyed and yet still all too common reactions people have to those in abusive relationships. For those who, like me, are in a fairly liberal bubble, this type of mindset may be one of the past.

But the same week I was reading Joy’s book, news came out that the winner of the latest season of “The Bachelorette” had also allegedly abused his ex to the point where she filed for a restraining order against him. As I read the paperwork she filed against this contestant, I noticed the similarities to Joy’s story. And some of the discourse was similarly doubtful of the ex.

Clearly, we have work to do.

Joy Neumeyer answers questions one might have about why people stay and why they don’t report through her own story, “A Survivor’s Education: Women, Violence, and the Stories We Don’t Tell” and sets the stage by taking us back to when she first met her abusive boyfriend.

In her talk, Joy said she presented the loving side of their relationship for the sake of being honest, even though it might’ve been confusing to some to see her go back-and-forth. From my view as a reader, her story made perfect sense. She and Daniel thrive off each other’s intellectualism which paves the way for a friendship and then a romance. The relationship becomes abusive with at a similar clip, but that does not make the descriptions any less shocking. I literally gasped aloud when reading how her ex attacked her in a beer garden by pouring his drink on her.

When Joy finally escapes Daniel’s clutches, she flees across the country. After finding out the police won’t take her case, she files a Title IX report against Daniel, feeling her hands are tied. She does not want him to suffer (it’s clear that Daniel harms because he’s been harmed), but she does not want to stay silent and risk having him hurt someone else or come back to hurt her.

Joy does an incredible job describing the Title IX process in all its confusing twists and turns. It’s never entirely clear what’ll happen next which is reminiscent of the Title IX process, which underwent an overhaul as Joy was going through it, thanks to the Trump administration. The reader gets glimpses at the back-and-forth between Joy and Daniel via the university administration, as each of them presents a different narrative of their relationship. This is all juggled as Joy works on her dissertation, presenting a realistic picture of how life must go on for survivors even while going through this consuming reporting process. You’ll feel infuriated for her as you read what she goes through.

Joy Neumeyer is a trained historian and weaves in narratives from her specialty, Russian history, throughout her storytelling, often comparing her relationship to events during the USSR’s rise and fall. This can become distracting at times and the last part of the book, which looks at Berkley’s long history with gendered violence, can drag a bit. However, I found the questions she posed with her training ultimately fascinating. When it comes to conflicting narratives, what is the truth, and is it fair to discount one voice over another’s?

Even though it was a busy week, I decided to squeeze in time for this talk. It was a privilege to hear Joy speak and be in a room with people who also care about improving the Title IX system. It was even more of a privilege to read her story. I think it’s an important read for anyone who asks trite questions about a victim’s role in any sort of abusive relationship. I think it’s also important to create an understanding of what anyone reporting violence is up against when doing so, which is oftentimes a system designed to protect institutions.

Joy ultimately concludes that whatever mental illness her ex suffers from does not excuse his violence towards her and other women, something others in her life fail to see. In a world where we so often look at things in black and white, she presents much-needed shades of gray on a topic that is so fraught with extremes. 

Some people hurt people because they are hurting. There are two sides to stories. There are moments of love in abusive relationships. None of this excuses abuse. 

It is refreshing to read this from someone who gets that.

I also can’t stop thinking about….

• “Turning Red.” I’ve been sick lately and going through movies on my watch list and finally got around to this one. It’s about a girl in the early 2000s who turns into a red panda whenever she gets emotional. It sounds silly, but it’s a sweet and funny movie about mother-daughter relationships, friendships, and the power of emotions. It made me laugh and cry which is one of my highest endorsements.

• “American Sports Story: Aaron Hernandez.” The Odin Lloyd murder took place in my hometown and I’ve been fascinated by Aaron Hernandez ever since then. I think his story is really complex and I doubt Ryan Murphy will do it justice, but I am interested in watching anyways.

• the bulls on the loose in North Attleboro. Speaking of my hometown, I truly can’t stop thinking about this story out of there. This may be the first time North Attleboro has been in the national new since Aaron Hernandez.