I Can’t Stop Thinking about...Liam Payne

My weekdays in the summer and fall of 2015 always began and ended the same way: I would take the Red Line to work while listening to One Direction. Zayn had just left. Louis was having a baby with a random woman. I had a tag on my Tumblr for 1D with a special one for Harry Styles (#Harry Styles is a stone cold fox). I was obsessed “The Adventurous Adventures of One Direction: and followed an Instagram account called “trendy girl or Harry Styles” that poked fun at his clothes.

It was a great time to be alive.

I missed full effect of the One Direction phenomenon; I am very close in age to the boys and so a lot of the swoon factor was lost on me until I got to college and they started making music that was less sugary pop. I really got into them in early 2014 when they released the video for “Story of My Life.” I had just gone through a breakup and it was the only song I could tolerate. It still fills me with an inexplicable feeling of hope every time I hear it.

During the summer of 2015, I didn’t have a love life to speak of. I got my fix from One Direction. I’d listen to “Midnight Memories” or “Four” on my walks to and from the train station and imagine finding someone who would beg me to change my ticket home or who’d drive all night to keep me warm. They set a standard for romance that I still hold to this day (namely finding someone who will truly drive all night for me, a dream that has since become a reality).

Nine years later, I was on the Red Line again, commuting home, when the music piping through my Airpods (no longer One Direction) was interrupted by a text from my sister: LIAM PAYNE DIED.

Liam was never at the top of my One Direction ranks (that spot was reserved for Harry). But I respected how candid he was about the effects of fame on his mental health. I got it in my head at one point that I wanted to write a book about One Direction and listened to a bunch of podcasts Liam did about his time in the band. I’ll never forget him describing how he’d get drunk off the mini bar in his hotel rooms on tour because the boys couldn’t go outside due to fans following them everywhere.

No matter his rank, losing someone in one of your favorite bands is insane, especially at such a young age and in such a tragic way. After getting that text, I stumbled off the same train I used to take listening to his music and paused on the platform to confirm the news, people milling around me. I didn’t understand how they could just carry on. I found it impossible to stop scrolling through Twitter, only doing so at midnight last night when someone posted a clip from the “Story of My Life” video that moved me to tears.

When I woke up this morning, still thinking about it, I was baffled. Why was this hitting me so hard? I actually went to work and wrote a story about it. Part of it is the parasocial relationship I developed with One Direction through all those Youtube videos and home viewings of “This is Us” (which I have on now as I write this). Part of it is that One Direction was a huge part of my life and now part of that is gone; there will never be the reunion my friend and I have dreamed of. Part of it is seeing someone my age die; the mortality is easier to grasp now. I’ve done a lot of reporting on addiction and it breaks my heart every time someone who has spoken about their struggles loses their life.

At the same time, it felt weird to purely sing Liam’s praises. My opinion on him started to shift when his ex-girlfriend came out with a novel based on their relationship. While she never straight up accused him of anything by name, it was clear who she was talking about when she described threats of suicide and him punching a wall near her in a fit of rage. As I scrolled through Tweets, I kept liking ones where people mentioned the pain Maya might be feeling and how Liam’s death doesn’t mean what he did wasn’t terrible.

This dichotomy of Liam’s musical legacy compared with the specific harm he did is also why his death hits me so hard. I’ve spent years trying to figure out how to hold space for both the pain and love that comes from a person you care about hurting you. It is not an easy task, especially in a world that does not have room for nuance. It encouraged me to see so many people mourn Liam while also acknowledging the harm he did, but I saw just as many people looking for someone to blame for his death. As a writer, I understand the desire for a neat narrative, but I know it’s never that simple.

Liam’s death hit me because it once again required me to do the dance of mourning a person who did a lot of good, but also a lot of bad, particularly against the women who were in his fanbase. I can only imagine what those closer to him are feeling, especially his ex. As sad as I am he died, I am also upset for the people he harmed who will not have closure and will instead be blamed for this tragedy. I am also sad he never got a chance to heal himself and make amends for his wrongs because everyone deserves that. And I’m sad cause I felt overly attached to him because of parasocial relationships, but that’s the Internet, baby!

I wish I had advice for balancing these emotions, but what I’ve learned is to just feel them all. Right now, I am frustrated the man whose work helped me set high standards for a partner did something so awful to his partner. I’m also sad to lose him because of what his work did for me. I’m sad to lose a huge part of our generation’s music makers and to never see a One Direction reunion. It feels weird being sad over a parasocial relationship, but I’m going to let myself feel it all.

I also can’t stop thinking about…

• “Anatomy: A Love Story” by Dana Schwartz. I love Dana’s podcast “Noble Blood” and her first novel about a woman trying to become a woman in 1800s Edinburgh has truly swept me away.

• “Love is Blind: Season Seven.” I freaking love “Love is Blind” and this season is no exception! The couples this season and their conversations have really set a new bar.

• “Nobody Wants This.” I binged this in a weekend and I agree with the criticism of it, but Adam Brody is incredibly cute.